It was a beautiful late August Tuesday morning in Atlanta, and the view from my Bug on 400 north was particularly bright and fine. The day began a complete antithesis to Monday's sideways pouring rain that had made life inside and outside the perimeter one big all-day tragedy. I was headed to work feeling buoyant in my magic blue dress that usually indicated a really good day ahead.
I had a nice little job doing inside sales for a high-end provider of video surveillance solutions in retail and schools. It came complete with an affable boss who laughed easily and enjoyed spending time in front of a white board, drawing out the nuances of sales as he graciously spoon-fed me all sorts of new concepts. Along the way I had discovered that most of the principles he covered had clever applications in real life, so it was all quite enjoyable and fascinating.
Having been a flight attendant for a good while, followed by a sweet gig as a preschool teacher and stay-at-home mom, every day I was a stranger wandering in the strange land of business, trying to make something of myself. A landslide of new and significant responsibilities had come my way, and I was desperate to find a fresh and profitable skill set to call my own.
On this day, the morning's tranquility changed shortly after arriving at the office by a sudden phone call from Brenda, my wonderful friend and housekeeper, who was standing with the Atlanta police in the living room of my home. And in just a few moments, the world shifted, my mother was gone and the day's all-encompassing brightness was mostly forgotten. Eventually, I made it home and sat at the desk in my sunny sitting room with friends coming and going, wearing the magical blue dress until well after dark.
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Thus began a new way of living. At this time in 2008, I was a little loaves-and-fishes enterprise, trying to generate enough money to keep us all going, with my mother as steadfast supporter who gladly helped any way she could. Ironically, it was she who had put Brenda at my house on the day she died, having given me the special treat of Brenda-time. Ever thoughtful as well as practical, in the preceding weeks my mother had assured me that, though her health was not so great, she was doing her best to hang on, "so I can help you because I'm no good to you dead".
This first real world job was calling school districts to determine if our company could provide them with awesome video security systems. I quickly learned sales calls are a challenging art, and was determined to be the person I would enjoy talking with on the phone, as opposed to a creepy, script-reading annoyance. There were two lessons learned here: the public schools in my assigned Tennessee territory could not afford our amazing, state-of-the-art IP solution, and I was a really good telephone friend-maker with the folks back home who liked us just fine but could not buy what we were selling.
And so one day my wise and always-convivial boss was a bit subdued and politely ended my professional telephone friend-making career right there in front of the white board. It was not my finest hour as there was no one anywhere in the universe who needed a job as badly as I did. A better woman would have handled the whole thing with grace and equanimity but, at that moment, I was a mess and definitely not a better woman at all.
Following this little difficult talk that gave me the most humbling moment of my life, my boss said these words:
And so one day my wise and always-convivial boss was a bit subdued and politely ended my professional telephone friend-making career right there in front of the white board. It was not my finest hour as there was no one anywhere in the universe who needed a job as badly as I did. A better woman would have handled the whole thing with grace and equanimity but, at that moment, I was a mess and definitely not a better woman at all.
Following this little difficult talk that gave me the most humbling moment of my life, my boss said these words:
"Don't wallow in it."
I believe that is the most insensitive sentence I have ever heard.
It is also the best advice I have ever been given.
It is also the best advice I have ever been given.
At that moment, all I could see was a dark future with sideways pouring rain, and all I had on my mind was collapsing in a heap of despair. Another loss on top of loss felt so bad, and I had no idea where to begin fixing all my problems. However, in the back of my head I knew that in the year I had worked with him, my boss had often shared excellent pieces of wisdom; perhaps I could trust him for one more. I also understood that trying to present your best work and self being a perfect mess doesn't work well. After a sad flirtation with wallowing that served no purpose beyond being somewhat emotionally satisfying, I had no choice but to get up and try it his way.
Courtesy of kind friends, I took every small job that came my way, and eventually found a spot to sustain us for a bit in our elementary school’s afternoon program. While the pay was sadly less, there were nice intangible benefits attached, ones that I didn’t appreciate until I was there and beyond. I got to see a lot more of my children and their friends when they were still (kind of) small, the time I needed to pack up the home from which we were destined to move fell right into place, and my afternoon world had all sorts of warm and interesting people coming and going. Existing friendships were deepened and new friends were made in a season when they were most appreciated. I still remember those whose paths crossed mine, many of whom I would have never known except through that little temporary job.
There was some joy in a season of uncertainty. In the midst of change in an unfortunate set of personal circumstances, days at work were a pleasant distraction. There was no room for wallowing. While just a stop along the way, these months were somehow an enjoyable moment in time. And it was all set into motion because my nice friends in Tennessee schools had no money to buy awesome video surveillance and I couldn't convince them otherwise.
Courtesy of kind friends, I took every small job that came my way, and eventually found a spot to sustain us for a bit in our elementary school’s afternoon program. While the pay was sadly less, there were nice intangible benefits attached, ones that I didn’t appreciate until I was there and beyond. I got to see a lot more of my children and their friends when they were still (kind of) small, the time I needed to pack up the home from which we were destined to move fell right into place, and my afternoon world had all sorts of warm and interesting people coming and going. Existing friendships were deepened and new friends were made in a season when they were most appreciated. I still remember those whose paths crossed mine, many of whom I would have never known except through that little temporary job.
There was some joy in a season of uncertainty. In the midst of change in an unfortunate set of personal circumstances, days at work were a pleasant distraction. There was no room for wallowing. While just a stop along the way, these months were somehow an enjoyable moment in time. And it was all set into motion because my nice friends in Tennessee schools had no money to buy awesome video surveillance and I couldn't convince them otherwise.
Life continues to be interesting, challenging, imperfect and really good--all at the exact same time. On countless occasions in the almost five years that have passed, I have made myself remember my boss's advice, mostly when it is the last thing I ever want to do. While those four words are always hard for my ears and heart to hear, I understand that the best and only way to go is forward. And it is even better when one can do so with grace and aplomb. I am thankful for the opportunity to look back and be reassured by the history of sunny days that eventually follow the rainy ones, the kindness of so many people along the way, and God's continued faithfulness through it all.
Still around. The magic blue dress and Smokey.
Photo cred to Annabelle.
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Loss and Gain
When I compare
What I have lost with what I have gained,
What I have missed with what attained,
Little room do I find for pride.
I am aware
How many days have been idly spent;
How like an arrow the good intent
Has fallen short or been turned aside.
But who shall dare
To measure loss and gain in this wise?
Defeat may be victory in disguise;
The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Photo cred to Annabelle.
``````````
Loss and Gain
When I compare
What I have lost with what I have gained,
What I have missed with what attained,
Little room do I find for pride.
I am aware
How many days have been idly spent;
How like an arrow the good intent
Has fallen short or been turned aside.
But who shall dare
To measure loss and gain in this wise?
Defeat may be victory in disguise;
The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
